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It has been a pleasure to pay my taxes this
year, and I look forward to paying them again
next year in accordance with
officially established government values.
Sincerely,
Another Satisfied Taxpayer
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Dear Sirs,
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction
for two of the three dependents I claimed on
my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have
questioned whether these are my children for
years. They are evil and expensive.
It's only fair that since they are minors and
not my responsibility that the government (who
evidently is taxing me more to care for these
waifs) knows something about them and what to
expect over the next year. You may apply next
year to reassign them to me and reinstate the
deduction. This year, they are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant.
Ask her. I suggest you put her to work in your
office where she can answer people's questions
about their returns. While she has no formal
training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge
of any other subject you can name. Taxes should
be a breeze. Next year she is going to college.
I think it's wonderful that you will now be
responsible for that little expense. While you
mull that over, keep in mind she has a truck.
It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the
immediate decision of appropriating some Department
of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting
up early to drive her to school. Kristen also
has a boyfriend. Oh, joy. While she possesses
all the wisdom of the universe, her alleged
mother and I have felt it best to occasionally
remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and
in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex.
This is always uncomfortable and I am quite
relieved you will be handling this in the future.
May I suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn Elders
who had a rather good handle on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about
this one. His eyes are a little close together
for normal people. He may be a tax examiner
himself one day, if you do not incarcerate him
first. In February, I was awakened at three
in the morning by a police officer who was bringing
Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses.
In the future would you like him delivered to
the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at
14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair
is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's
the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll
have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few
days of school after instigating a food fight.
I'll take care of filing your phone number with
the vice principal. Oh yes, he and his friends
have raging hormones. This is a house of testosterone
and it will be much more peaceful when he lives
in your home. Do not leave any of them unsupervised
with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables,
vehicles or telephones. (I'm sure that you will
find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement,
and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time
warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm
sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21.
She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She
wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and
hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately
you will be raising my taxes to help offset
the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked
On Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped
it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half
the amount of the deduction that you are denying!
It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents
(ask the other two) so they have helped raise
this one to a new level of terror. She cannot
speak English. Most people under twenty understand
the curious patois she fashioned out of valley
girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/ political
doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to
a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's.
It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to
her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy
and wants one of her ears pierced four more
times. There is a fascination with tattoos that
worries me but I am sure that you can handle
it. Bring a truck when you come to get her,
she sort of "nests" in her room and
I think that it would be easier to move the
entire thing than find out what it is really
made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions so it
is only fair you get to pick which two you will
take. I prefer that you take the youngest. I
still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but
then I am free. If you take the two oldest,
then I still have time for counseling before
Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the
two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting
Patrick in a military academy. Please let me
know of your decision as soon as possible, as
I have already increased the withholding on
my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and
made a down payment on an airplane.
Yours Truly,
Bob
(Note: The taxpayer in question
added this caveat at a later date. "Rats,
they sent me the refund and allowed the deductions.")
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